Dear Future Girlfriend,
I’m writing to you from the past with a request. I need you to tell me what to wear, how to shave (or not to), etc. so that when I see you of the first time you find me attractive. I’m really quite awful with this sort of thing and look forward to the continual supply of your excellent advice for the duration of our future relationship.
All my lovin’,
Me
Sudden Realization:
I’ve become another one of those guys that doesn’t want to commit. It isn’t because I don’t like commitment. It isn’t because I want to “play the field”. It isn’t because I don’t want to be tied down or somehow feel less free. It’s because I’m just tired of getting hurt.
I don’t want to become attached to someone that isn’t always going to be around. I don’t want to get used to someone who’s going to stop texting me back one day. I don’t want to make plans with someone who won’t follow through. I don’t want to get my hopes up. I want to keep expectations low.
So congratulations. You’ve turned me into another one of those guys.
Dear Internet, Please Cut Back On The Porn
I know it’s a tough thing to ask, but sometimes I can’t tell if I’m on Facebook/Tumblr or I’m on Playboy/YouPorn.
This is a bummer because I love your witty comments. I love your artwork. I love your political satire. I get a kick out of hearing about your day. You are my friends. That’s why I follow your posts. You guys are awesome. You are intelligent. You are entertaining. You enrich my life.
But it’s getting difficult to check up on you guys with my little siblings in the room (Female, 13; Male, 9). Or my grandparents. Or even my parents. Or sometimes you post such freaky crap that it’s weird when anyone at all (including myself) sees it.
I’m just saying, I think we can all find our way to oodles of freaky tentacle porn all on our own (Okay, okay. It’s not always tentacle porn. In fact sometimes it’s quite soft core. But still). We have the power of Google at our disposal. Every social network doesn’t need to turn into social porn-marking.
Thanks for reading.
- Brian: Let's build a dating site where we're the only two guys on the site.
- Brian: Then we'd have a good chance.
- Brian: It's called... Brian and Daniel's Singles Metropolis
- Brian: Or, BDSM
In my dreams I always travel by train.
If ever I drive, the brakes go out.
“You are a dumbass. There’s no mistaking that. But, you’re a dumbass with good intentions.”
-Fernando José Alvarenga
